I haven’t written in a while because I have been going through what I have dubbed my Third-Life Crisis. I am too old to be Quarter Life (unless I live to be 120, which I am really not up for) and hoping I am way too young for Mid-Life. So here we are. I spent an hour googling adoption blogs the other day looking for someone who has adopted a preschooler and had a hard time. I have come to the conclusion that either there are very few people who adopt preschoolers in the US or the majority of them are having such a hard time that they do not even bother to set up a blog to proclaim their difficulties. So I have decided it is my duty to say what I wanted so desperately to hear from someone else:
THIS IS HARD! Going from 29 years of independence, being in control of my own schedule and not having a constant current of “Why, mommy?” flowing from the backseat to…well, the opposite of all of that, is a BIG deal. It IS hard! I love my child. I would not choose any other way, but just to reiterate, this is HARD!
But it is not even about the actual change in activities. It seems to be something more. I feel as if I have spent the last two weeks in a boxing ring. The lineup has looked something like this: In this corner, we have SelfLESS, determined to live a life poured out in service to others, wanting nothing more than to spend every possible moment showering love on my child and desiring to be like the old woman in the shoe…..but younger and with foster children.
And in this corner, we have Independent Me. IM has never done well being limited in what she can do and has always valued freedom and independence above all else. Period.
So the fight has ensued. As a Christian, I have always been okay with the idea of “dying to self,” and letting God lead my life down His path for His glory. Less of me and more of Him…that’s beautiful, right? But “dying to self” for a 4 year old? Less of me and more of…a 4 year old?!
I always said (Warning: here comes a load of imaginary wisdom from someone who clearly never had kids…) that I would keep my identity when I had kids. I would still work, run and do the things I enjoy. I am happy to say that I have, just in a different way. For example, I have worked and/or gone to school since I was 14 years old in a combination that has always equaled at least 50 hours per week, and now I work a mere 25. Many of my beloved afternoon runs in the park are now done on a treadmill during nap time. And time with friends is often spent in a restaurant with a kid’s menu instead of the wonderful new vegetarian restaurant I really wanted to try. In light of all of this, I think that any parent would agree that if you are really going to care for another human being, be devoted to meet their every need, and love them with all that you have, part of you just has to go. No matter how hard that is.
As I see Round 10 in the battle for my identity coming to a close, I notice that my hair is the same color and length and I have no new tattoos or piercings. To me, this means that I am no longer 19 years old and able to solve these battles for “me” with a quick fix. Instead, I need a more long term solution. So, I believe that I will probably go back to work full-time in a few months. I feel that surge of the infamous “mommy guilt” even as I type this, but I know that I am just not meant to be at home this much. And I love my little redhead enough to know that if I don’t, he will probably end up an only child with a crazy mother. And that is way worse that a couple of hours a day with a babysitter!
So there. That is what I wanted to read last week, that THIS IS HARD! And that it gets better when the fight is over and you are able to radically accept losing a small piece of yourself in exchange for the immeasurable joy of loving someone else.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Putting the Pieces Together
I am so amazed at how well our little redhead is doing that most of the little blips and moments of pause that come from adopting an older child do not usually phase me. But I do feel like they are worth sharing.
I am a very open person, which probably goes without saying on a blog about one’s life….. I also am a huge advocate for adoption, which is one of the main reasons why I do this blog. However, I try to be ever conscious of the fact that this is not my story...it is his. Therefore, I must be careful not to share details that are his and his alone to do with as he pleases. For example, he may not want everyone at the salad bar to know he is adopted…
Last week, a lady at Jason's Deli asked me how old he was. I told her he was 4. She then said, “Oh, so it gets better….I have an 18 month old who is into everything!” My first reaction was to reply. “I have heard 3 is the worst…” But, as the mother of a 4 year old, shouldn’t I know what age 3 is like?! A simple, honest comment like that would let a perfect stranger know that my child was not my own…. So I just left it at, “Yes, 3 is worse, but 4 is much better…”
Another issue with having an older child that does bother me is the missing pieces. I have no baby pictures…except a few I found on his mother’s facebook page. Thank you, Mark Zuckerburg for this unintended bonus of social networking. It feels so unfair to me that our family will always have pictures of my nephew (who is close in age to my son) from the time he was born, but none of my son. And when he asks, “Where was I then?” as he looks at my scrapbooks, the worst part is that I KNOW where he was…and it was definitely not surrounded my doting aunts and uncles watching him try sweet potatoes for the first time.
My husband and I were asked to go to the DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) office on Wednesday to review our son's files, which were two, 4" binders thick. Though we already knew bits and pieces of that information, we were able to piece together the pieces into a more coherent story. A very sad and heartbreakingly coherent story. I left feeling nausceous, somewhat tearful and full of rage at the people that were supposed to take care of him so long ago. But in spite of all that, I felt as I knew him a little better and am very thankful that we were able to read the records. And needless to say, he got a lot of extra hugs as I held him a little longer that afternoon.
On a more positive note, reading those records officially begins the adoption process for us! We are hopeful that will be OFFICIALLY ours before Christmas. Since there is definitely no handbook for that, we can all learn the process together. :)
I am a very open person, which probably goes without saying on a blog about one’s life….. I also am a huge advocate for adoption, which is one of the main reasons why I do this blog. However, I try to be ever conscious of the fact that this is not my story...it is his. Therefore, I must be careful not to share details that are his and his alone to do with as he pleases. For example, he may not want everyone at the salad bar to know he is adopted…
Last week, a lady at Jason's Deli asked me how old he was. I told her he was 4. She then said, “Oh, so it gets better….I have an 18 month old who is into everything!” My first reaction was to reply. “I have heard 3 is the worst…” But, as the mother of a 4 year old, shouldn’t I know what age 3 is like?! A simple, honest comment like that would let a perfect stranger know that my child was not my own…. So I just left it at, “Yes, 3 is worse, but 4 is much better…”
Another issue with having an older child that does bother me is the missing pieces. I have no baby pictures…except a few I found on his mother’s facebook page. Thank you, Mark Zuckerburg for this unintended bonus of social networking. It feels so unfair to me that our family will always have pictures of my nephew (who is close in age to my son) from the time he was born, but none of my son. And when he asks, “Where was I then?” as he looks at my scrapbooks, the worst part is that I KNOW where he was…and it was definitely not surrounded my doting aunts and uncles watching him try sweet potatoes for the first time.
My husband and I were asked to go to the DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) office on Wednesday to review our son's files, which were two, 4" binders thick. Though we already knew bits and pieces of that information, we were able to piece together the pieces into a more coherent story. A very sad and heartbreakingly coherent story. I left feeling nausceous, somewhat tearful and full of rage at the people that were supposed to take care of him so long ago. But in spite of all that, I felt as I knew him a little better and am very thankful that we were able to read the records. And needless to say, he got a lot of extra hugs as I held him a little longer that afternoon.
On a more positive note, reading those records officially begins the adoption process for us! We are hopeful that will be OFFICIALLY ours before Christmas. Since there is definitely no handbook for that, we can all learn the process together. :)
Friday, September 30, 2011
The proverbial switch: 3 months!
Today marks three months of our red head actually being in our home. Three months of being a parent. Three months of living in a whole new world—for all of us!
First, I want to say thank you to everyone for all of the prayers, kind messages and shared stories after my last post! They were so encouraging and such a blessing to me! We have certainly noticed a big change over the last couple of weeks. He no longer asks for “OM” or “OD.” He no longer draws pictures that include them. (His teacher has told me that his first order of business everyday is to produce a picture to bring home to me…he is such a giver!). I do believe that the proverbial switch has been flipped and we have reached a turning point where he is wholly ours. And I could not be prouder to have such an amazing child!
I loved him from the moment I heard his name. I don’t know why…it is just something that sprung up inside of me. But now, I hear him joke around with us-- pretending not to know where his juice is, turning around to “throw” his voice and then asking “who said that?”—and I am in love. I smile as he comes home from school saying, “I have a surprise for you, Mommy…” and pulls a feather out of his backpack that he procured just for me. I watch as he picks up anything small and says in a baby voice, “Ahhh, it’s a baby leaf…” and delicately puts it down to safely “nap,” and I appreciate his loving nature. I now have a thousand reasons why I think he is the greatest. I often look at him and am overwhelmed at how much God must love me to put this precious child in my life.
I notice so many changes in him since that first day when he came to us three months ago. No matter what we asked him to do (i.e. play with sidewalk chalk), his response was “I can’t…” Now his constant refrain is, “I bet you didn’t know I could do that!” When he finds something he cannot do, he says, “You are supposed to teach me.” Already, he has so much more confidence! Now, sometimes this is taken a bit far as he thinks he should be able to drive, cook dinner, paint my nails for me….. But I will take that any day!
As we continue to move forward, I want to pause again and say “thank you!” to you for being a part of this journey! It has just begun!
First, I want to say thank you to everyone for all of the prayers, kind messages and shared stories after my last post! They were so encouraging and such a blessing to me! We have certainly noticed a big change over the last couple of weeks. He no longer asks for “OM” or “OD.” He no longer draws pictures that include them. (His teacher has told me that his first order of business everyday is to produce a picture to bring home to me…he is such a giver!). I do believe that the proverbial switch has been flipped and we have reached a turning point where he is wholly ours. And I could not be prouder to have such an amazing child!
I loved him from the moment I heard his name. I don’t know why…it is just something that sprung up inside of me. But now, I hear him joke around with us-- pretending not to know where his juice is, turning around to “throw” his voice and then asking “who said that?”—and I am in love. I smile as he comes home from school saying, “I have a surprise for you, Mommy…” and pulls a feather out of his backpack that he procured just for me. I watch as he picks up anything small and says in a baby voice, “Ahhh, it’s a baby leaf…” and delicately puts it down to safely “nap,” and I appreciate his loving nature. I now have a thousand reasons why I think he is the greatest. I often look at him and am overwhelmed at how much God must love me to put this precious child in my life.
I notice so many changes in him since that first day when he came to us three months ago. No matter what we asked him to do (i.e. play with sidewalk chalk), his response was “I can’t…” Now his constant refrain is, “I bet you didn’t know I could do that!” When he finds something he cannot do, he says, “You are supposed to teach me.” Already, he has so much more confidence! Now, sometimes this is taken a bit far as he thinks he should be able to drive, cook dinner, paint my nails for me….. But I will take that any day!
As we continue to move forward, I want to pause again and say “thank you!” to you for being a part of this journey! It has just begun!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Clueless
We went to the circus this weekend and neither my wife nor I can ever remember going to the circus as children, but I have pictures showing me at the circus, so I guess I went. We (the adults) were excited to go and we shared our excitement with the red head. He started getting excited a couple days before, and then it was finally circus day. Yay, we get to go to the circus today! He was excited, mostly because we were excited. We get to the arena and immediately the marketing begins, “buy a hat for your boy sir, your boy needs a hat”. We rush to the ATM to get some money to buy a hat only to find out he doesn’t want a hat. Great! Inside are more little-people-money-wasters, glowing swords, spinning wands, popcorn, candy, stuffed animals, balloon animals…..everything a little person “wants” but doesn’t need. “I want a sword, I want popcorn, I want a Spongeball balloon”. “How about a hat”, my wife says. He agreed, it was the cheapest and also the cutest, so he got a hat. The show was starting to begin and I ask the red head, “have you ever been to the circus before”? A normal question for my wife and I to ask him. In fact we ask him all the time questions about him and the things he has done….. do you like this, have you done this before, what is your favorite this or that, can you tell me when you did that, what did you do at your other house, what did your other mommy do when you did that, did you do this with your other daddy……. We are basically doing research, collecting as much data about him as possible so we can make “qualified, management” decisions……..OK, so maybe we are just trying to make it as parents and we need all the info we can get, but it sounds better when you use words like “qualified” and “management”. Anyway, I ask him “have you ever been to the circus before?” I notice the mother holding the cotton candy next to me giving me a strange look, a look that says “what kind of parent are you, don’t you know anything about your kid”. Now I could probably get some grace if the red head wasn’t a red head, maybe a completely different colored head, but unfortunately for me he and I are very similar in appearance so when people look at us there is no doubt that he is mine. As I escorted my child to his seat, the cotton candy mother gave me a final glance which pretty much said, “lazy dad out with his NEW wife because he only gets to see his kids once a month, probably doesn’t even pay child support”. TOUGH GLANCE! Those glances from all the “real parents” out there wont deter me from continuing to ask him questions about his past, his likes/dislikes, experiences and anything else I need to gather data about. It’s just part of the role of being the new dad and mommy, I’ll just make sure to try and keep the conversation between the two of us. One last experience to leave you with. So mommy and I are in the store with red head and he picks out some Pringles and says “I ate these with my other daddy”. He says it kind of loud; he likes to emphasize his “preferred choices” with some volume in his voice. I think he thinks if he yells it than he will get it. Well, the “real parents” standing in the aisle with us heard his comment. I immediately think, great they are going to call the police and issue an AMBER alert because they think we just kidnapped this kid, who tells their parents they did something with their OD, that’s “suspicious”. Of course we play it off and buy the chips, but we quickly try to head out the door……You never know if that “cotton candy mother” or “supermom” is close behind trying to write down your license plate number.
NB
NB
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Not You
I knew that my son would miss his "other" family when he came to us...That's normal. No matter how great we are for him, they were all he knew for 18 months. From a psychological perspective, it would actually be unhealthy if he didn't miss them. It would show a lack of attachment, which is never good. After all, if were (God forbid!) to be taken from us after 18 months, I would hope that he would cry for me.
He has actually never cried for them, but instead says periodically-and randomly as far we can tell- "I want my Other Daddy." (we call him OD for code) For some reason, he has really stepped up asking for OD (whom he says was not good to him) in the past couple of weeks. Ironically, he often does it when we are on our way to take him to do something. For example, this weekend as we drove to the Rainforrest Cafe and Legoland, he sat in the backseat asking for OD. But my real favorite is when he is mad that I have asked him to do something and he says, "I want my Other Mommy." Here's betting OM would make him hold her hand when he crosses the street and brush his teeth, too.
In the past few days he has started saying, "I really miss my other mommy and my other daddy," and asking "Who brought me to your house?" A few times he responds with, "I didn't want them to do that." I can understand that. No one wants to be ripped out of their home with no notice, whether they live with the Brady Bunch or not. It breaks my heart for him and I try my best, whether he is genuinely expressing sadness or just mad, to empathize and to make sure he knows that it is okay to talk about those feelings with me.
I have taken all of this like a champ. I know it is all part of the process and a healthy part of transitioning. But then today, in the middle of Target, we are having a nice time looking for a new cup for him and he says very seriously, "I don't want you to be my mommy." OUCH! That one hit like a dagger to my chest. I fought back tears as he said it a couple more times. I asked what he would like me to be and he said that he just wanted to go back to his "Other Mommy"... I know that kids just say stuff. I know that he does like being at our house. I know that it is good and healthy for him to miss his other house...blah blah blah. My head knows all of this, but that couldn't stop my heart from breaking right there in the baby aisle at Target... And they didn't even have the cups I wanted.
In psychology, there is something that happens called an "extinction burst" when you are trying to break a habit, change a behavior, etc... It works for a while, but then before it completely disappears, you do it a lot. I mean A LOT! The theory is that you are no longer getting what you want out of it, so you give it one more hardy try before completely giving it up. I can see that. My favorite little man has a lot to think about in his head and maybe it is just all bursting out now.
We have been told by everyone who has ever fostered or being fostered that there is some magical switch that gets flipped at the three month mark. We have three weeks to go until then...I will keep you posted.
He has actually never cried for them, but instead says periodically-and randomly as far we can tell- "I want my Other Daddy." (we call him OD for code) For some reason, he has really stepped up asking for OD (whom he says was not good to him) in the past couple of weeks. Ironically, he often does it when we are on our way to take him to do something. For example, this weekend as we drove to the Rainforrest Cafe and Legoland, he sat in the backseat asking for OD. But my real favorite is when he is mad that I have asked him to do something and he says, "I want my Other Mommy." Here's betting OM would make him hold her hand when he crosses the street and brush his teeth, too.
In the past few days he has started saying, "I really miss my other mommy and my other daddy," and asking "Who brought me to your house?" A few times he responds with, "I didn't want them to do that." I can understand that. No one wants to be ripped out of their home with no notice, whether they live with the Brady Bunch or not. It breaks my heart for him and I try my best, whether he is genuinely expressing sadness or just mad, to empathize and to make sure he knows that it is okay to talk about those feelings with me.
I have taken all of this like a champ. I know it is all part of the process and a healthy part of transitioning. But then today, in the middle of Target, we are having a nice time looking for a new cup for him and he says very seriously, "I don't want you to be my mommy." OUCH! That one hit like a dagger to my chest. I fought back tears as he said it a couple more times. I asked what he would like me to be and he said that he just wanted to go back to his "Other Mommy"... I know that kids just say stuff. I know that he does like being at our house. I know that it is good and healthy for him to miss his other house...blah blah blah. My head knows all of this, but that couldn't stop my heart from breaking right there in the baby aisle at Target... And they didn't even have the cups I wanted.
In psychology, there is something that happens called an "extinction burst" when you are trying to break a habit, change a behavior, etc... It works for a while, but then before it completely disappears, you do it a lot. I mean A LOT! The theory is that you are no longer getting what you want out of it, so you give it one more hardy try before completely giving it up. I can see that. My favorite little man has a lot to think about in his head and maybe it is just all bursting out now.
We have been told by everyone who has ever fostered or being fostered that there is some magical switch that gets flipped at the three month mark. We have three weeks to go until then...I will keep you posted.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Evolution of the Dance
Anyone who has ever been to our house knows that there is ALWAYS music playing. We eat with music on in the background, we read with it, blog with it (as the stereo is on at this moment), and even leave it on for our dog when we leave (Side note: I have always wondered if he really hates this and feels that we are torturing him in the same way the Feds played Britney Spears over and over at the Waco compound to try to lure them out). We also like to dance randomly and goofily from time to time... I know, this is more than you needed to know about what happens behind closed doors at our house. But it is important to understand this about us to understand how ironic it was that our son did NOT like music when he first came to our house. In fact, one of the first things he did when he arrived was turn OFF the stereo. And he proceeded to turn it off every time he noticed it was on for the first couple of weeks. He also did not like random dancing and would get very upset when my husband would do "the hot dog dance" when that catchy little tune came on the Mickey Mouse Club every morning.
Fortunately, things have changed over the past two months. I guess it happened so gradually that I did not notice much until yesterday when I told my little redhead it was time to dance. We started twirling around the livingroom, singing some song I made up about dancing in the livingroom (I know, I need more inspiration...). As I watched him dancing and laughing, my heart began to smile. I have always considered song to be an expression of joy in the heart and I believe that he has now found his joy. It's amazing what seven weeks can do!
On a different note, he started asking for a little sister this week... a lot. I have told him to direct all requests to the Lord and see what happens. :)
Fortunately, things have changed over the past two months. I guess it happened so gradually that I did not notice much until yesterday when I told my little redhead it was time to dance. We started twirling around the livingroom, singing some song I made up about dancing in the livingroom (I know, I need more inspiration...). As I watched him dancing and laughing, my heart began to smile. I have always considered song to be an expression of joy in the heart and I believe that he has now found his joy. It's amazing what seven weeks can do!
On a different note, he started asking for a little sister this week... a lot. I have told him to direct all requests to the Lord and see what happens. :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Behind the Scenes
It is so easy to get caught up in the crises that DO come our way that I have often thought that when I get to Heaven, I want to ask God to show me all of the things that DIDN'T come my way. I want to see the heartbreak He prevented by keeping away those who would hurt me, the mistakes He kept me from making by leading me down a different path, and the high heels He kept out of the cuffs of my dress pants (if you have ever worn such a combo, you know that it's deadly...) so that I did not trip... Okay, so I might have to ask Him why He didn't do a bit more of that last one. ;) Having a child has given me a firsthand view of that provision in two ways.
First, I get to see the ways that I keep my little redhead safe. When he plays, I move things out of the way so that he does not fall. I try to anticipate his needs by bringing his hat to keep the sun out of his eyes, even though he insists that he does not want it at that time. I try to convince him that he really does not want to pour all of the sand out of his sandbox because then he will not have anymore to play with. I am constantly aware of his needs and what I can do to meet them, which can only be a tiny fraction of how the Lord watches over us, keeping us safe and meeting our needs before we even know we need them.
Second, I see the ways that God has meets my son's needs even before he knows how to ask. For example, last week my husband was approached at work by our son's former foster care consultant, G. G said that his former foster mother would like to give us a picture of our son and their son, whom he referred to as his "baby." Of course he said yes, but did not mention it to our son.
Let me pause and fill you in. Some key things you need to know here are:
1. Our son has never mentioned his former foster brother.
2. He has never asked us to get anything from his "other house."
Moving on... That night, as my husband was putting our little guy to bed, he stated that he missed his "baby," and that he does not have a picture of him to show us. He then asked his daddy if he could get him a picture of his "baby."
That gives me chills...just to think that God takes care of us down to such tiny details as a photograph. But it doesn't end there. I toured about seven preschools months ago before our child ever even knew we existed. We picked one, feeling like it would best meet his needs. A few days ago we met his (new!) teacher who shared that she grew up in the foster care system and is very excited to meet our little guy! What are the odds?! Pretty good when God is involved....
Before I close, I want to share one more little story, just for fun. We took our guy to Pei Wei for his first Chinese food experience on Sunday. When he opened up his fortune cookie it read, "An unexpected relationship will become permanent." Yes, Lord! Amen to that!
First, I get to see the ways that I keep my little redhead safe. When he plays, I move things out of the way so that he does not fall. I try to anticipate his needs by bringing his hat to keep the sun out of his eyes, even though he insists that he does not want it at that time. I try to convince him that he really does not want to pour all of the sand out of his sandbox because then he will not have anymore to play with. I am constantly aware of his needs and what I can do to meet them, which can only be a tiny fraction of how the Lord watches over us, keeping us safe and meeting our needs before we even know we need them.
Second, I see the ways that God has meets my son's needs even before he knows how to ask. For example, last week my husband was approached at work by our son's former foster care consultant, G. G said that his former foster mother would like to give us a picture of our son and their son, whom he referred to as his "baby." Of course he said yes, but did not mention it to our son.
Let me pause and fill you in. Some key things you need to know here are:
1. Our son has never mentioned his former foster brother.
2. He has never asked us to get anything from his "other house."
Moving on... That night, as my husband was putting our little guy to bed, he stated that he missed his "baby," and that he does not have a picture of him to show us. He then asked his daddy if he could get him a picture of his "baby."
That gives me chills...just to think that God takes care of us down to such tiny details as a photograph. But it doesn't end there. I toured about seven preschools months ago before our child ever even knew we existed. We picked one, feeling like it would best meet his needs. A few days ago we met his (new!) teacher who shared that she grew up in the foster care system and is very excited to meet our little guy! What are the odds?! Pretty good when God is involved....
Before I close, I want to share one more little story, just for fun. We took our guy to Pei Wei for his first Chinese food experience on Sunday. When he opened up his fortune cookie it read, "An unexpected relationship will become permanent." Yes, Lord! Amen to that!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Trust and "looks"
You can do it, you’ve been doing that all morning, yes you can, I’ve seen you do it a thousand times, it’s ok, just do this or just do that. Remember, you have to do that, or you have to do this and there you go….
Very familiar language that I seem to be saying more and more of. It is a trust thing that I’m learning. I want you to help me is what I believe he is communicating to me and I communicate right back you don’t need my help you can do it on your own. Of course that is not what we tell each other, what actually occurs is something like this: “I can’t push my bike in the garage”, and I say “yes you can, just point the tire in the direction you want to go and push from the seat and there you go”. I then get a “look” from him like, why don’t you just help me do it, or do it for me? I return my own “look” to him that is trying to say…..
…..This is easy for you, I wouldn’t “push” you to do it on your own if I didn’t believe you could do it, you need to do things on your own so you can be independent, because life can be challenging at times and if you can face challenges with the understanding that you can do something on your own and be successful, than you can take care of yourself, but always try it first and if you need help later, daddy will be here to help…..
I know, I CAN say all that in one “look” (you should see how my wife and I communicate to our dog).
So, I’m learning that this is all about trust. He needs to trust in me that I will help him when he needs help and I I’m trying to teach him to trust in his own capabilities and in his daddy knowing that his daddy will never give him something that is beyond his capabilities to do. Pretty deep stuff, especially when it is communicated with his sentence of “I can’t. Help me” and my sentence of “yes you can, just ……….. and you’ve done it”
This is complex already with any child, but when you add the factors of his history into the mix, it becomes as complicated as the love triangles on Days or the “show” (that’s for you Moma if you don’t know what I’m talking about its okay, family humor). Anyway, things are complex because I’m trying my best to make him the Godly man that the Lord has given me the wisdom to make him (more wisdom is appreciated by the way) and I have to make sure that I don’t “push” or “offend” or “tamper” with the fine balance that is going on in him at an emotional level. As my lovely wife states, it has only been 4 weeks, so love on him, nurture him and give him lots of grace. Those are our goals while he still goes through this transition. Great, let’s do it but what about the trust, confidence, self esteem and leadership characteristics that I’m seeing in him and I’m trying to bring out in him? Lots of balance and complexity, but we will get there. That is a lot for a daddy and mommy to process, but for a 4 year old, he seems to be doing all right with it all. As he said to me after he put his bike in the garage by himself, “I did it, now let’s go hide from mommy, ok?”. My response to him was just as innocent, “sure buddy, let’s go hide” but my “look” said……. you’re a great kid, I knew you could do it and let’s keep it simple and have fun, ok!
Peace,
NB
Very familiar language that I seem to be saying more and more of. It is a trust thing that I’m learning. I want you to help me is what I believe he is communicating to me and I communicate right back you don’t need my help you can do it on your own. Of course that is not what we tell each other, what actually occurs is something like this: “I can’t push my bike in the garage”, and I say “yes you can, just point the tire in the direction you want to go and push from the seat and there you go”. I then get a “look” from him like, why don’t you just help me do it, or do it for me? I return my own “look” to him that is trying to say…..
…..This is easy for you, I wouldn’t “push” you to do it on your own if I didn’t believe you could do it, you need to do things on your own so you can be independent, because life can be challenging at times and if you can face challenges with the understanding that you can do something on your own and be successful, than you can take care of yourself, but always try it first and if you need help later, daddy will be here to help…..
I know, I CAN say all that in one “look” (you should see how my wife and I communicate to our dog).
So, I’m learning that this is all about trust. He needs to trust in me that I will help him when he needs help and I I’m trying to teach him to trust in his own capabilities and in his daddy knowing that his daddy will never give him something that is beyond his capabilities to do. Pretty deep stuff, especially when it is communicated with his sentence of “I can’t. Help me” and my sentence of “yes you can, just ……….. and you’ve done it”
This is complex already with any child, but when you add the factors of his history into the mix, it becomes as complicated as the love triangles on Days or the “show” (that’s for you Moma if you don’t know what I’m talking about its okay, family humor). Anyway, things are complex because I’m trying my best to make him the Godly man that the Lord has given me the wisdom to make him (more wisdom is appreciated by the way) and I have to make sure that I don’t “push” or “offend” or “tamper” with the fine balance that is going on in him at an emotional level. As my lovely wife states, it has only been 4 weeks, so love on him, nurture him and give him lots of grace. Those are our goals while he still goes through this transition. Great, let’s do it but what about the trust, confidence, self esteem and leadership characteristics that I’m seeing in him and I’m trying to bring out in him? Lots of balance and complexity, but we will get there. That is a lot for a daddy and mommy to process, but for a 4 year old, he seems to be doing all right with it all. As he said to me after he put his bike in the garage by himself, “I did it, now let’s go hide from mommy, ok?”. My response to him was just as innocent, “sure buddy, let’s go hide” but my “look” said……. you’re a great kid, I knew you could do it and let’s keep it simple and have fun, ok!
Peace,
NB
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Cheetos fingers, marketing and superman goals
This is my first time posting to my wife's great blog about our favorite kid. I'll try and not ramble too much. Today marked our three week anniversary with him and also marked the number of weeks Kasi and I have been parents. I've learned some things as a new "parent", if I can call myself that yet. I don't believe I have earned the title, don't you have to have a "stork" or the "kids network" certify you before you can use that title? I would like to tell you about some little things that I have discovered over these three weeks. Cheetos are awesome little cheesy crunchy delights. They are not chips, they are not healthy but they are great. The Cheetos people should be praised for making such a delicious treat. They should be shamed for how they have designed their treat to remain on the fingers of anyone, say a little person with red hair, who loves to touch everything including his new daddy. So, thank you Cheetos people for making a good treat, but please help all parents and those trying to earn the title by making your treat to not remain on the fingers of the little people. I had "Cheetos orange" all over me, the walls and the cute desk I was putting together for my wonderful wife. Beware of the Cheetos fingers!
Marketers have earned my respect in the last three weeks. I know they advertise and try to get into my head with all types of "buy this" messages, but I didn't realize how clever they were at using the little people to do their "selling" for them. Walk into Toys R Us and what is the first thing you see, very cool and expensive toys. What do the little people see, very cool and expensive toys. What do they want, you're catching on. Now our little person is very well behaved but I know he is tempted, how can he not be. So, I have respect for you marketers out there, but I do not appreciate the toys at the front door, the candy at the cash register, the little trinkets for little fingers on the way out of the store and probably the most disturbing trend right now, Disney Cars on everything a little boy needs and wants. I keep telling my wife, it's like Disney Cars "threw up" on everything that is little boy. Does our little guy even have a choice on whether to like Cars or not? By the way, I love Cars, we didn't have to buy him the movie, it was already in daddy's collection next to Bourne Ultimatum.
I used to have some pretty good goals set out. I like to do a "goal plan" for the year and even a 3 year and 5 year plan. Ask my wonderful wife, she has seen the spreadsheets. After three weeks, I believe my goals will change a little bit. I still plan to achieve my goals (one of them was to get a great kid and call him ours, thank you Lord for making that happen), but I think I will also be very focused, maybe consumed with some short term goals. I'm naming them superman goals, because after I accomplish them, I feel like superman. Some superman experiences I have had in the past week:
1. Cutting hair - yes, I was able to cut his hair Sunday morning before church. He actually let me do it, even after I got hair all over his neck (the towel fell accidentally), his ear and of course all over me. Kasi thought it looked good, so if mommy is happy than it qualifies for superman status.
2. Brushing teeth - some days I have the superman status and other days, well, like last night I didn't get there. What is so hard about this task?
3. Dressing him in less than 10 minutes and having him match. What goes on first, what is next, what type of socks do you want, you have to wear that shirt you picked it out, I'm counting to five and then I'm putting that on you, mommy isn't here to put on your shorts, you can't leave until you have your shirt on......when did I become so consumed with clothing? It's easier to prepare for a quarterly board meeting than to get a littler person dressed, matched and ready to go in ten minutes. I've had only one superman moment on this one, I need more or else I will end wearing a shark shirt like him.
4. Bed time. Seriously, I haven't had any superman moments yet for this one. My wife walks out at 8:00 and tells me he was so sweet, they prayed, he gave her a hug, tells her she is awesome and that he is ready to go to sleep. I try to put him down, and we can't pick out a book, he wants his light on, he wants the turtle to sing him a song, he wants the plane in his room to fly him around, he doesn't want me to read the book, he wants his juice, he wants the NASA space shuttle program to continue on and he of course doesn't want to go to bed. I enjoy "trying" to put him to sleep, but I have a lot to learn. I am enjoying/dreading this learning process. I will get my superman moment, he will be in bed by 8:00 and I will be out of there. I will be the bedtime superman.
5. Making sure he knows we love him. I will never take for granted the opportunities I get to tickle, sneak in a hug or just be silly with him. He needs to know that we are crazy about him. Many superman moments here and many more to come.
Well, there's my first blog. I'll try and do more.
Peace!
Marketers have earned my respect in the last three weeks. I know they advertise and try to get into my head with all types of "buy this" messages, but I didn't realize how clever they were at using the little people to do their "selling" for them. Walk into Toys R Us and what is the first thing you see, very cool and expensive toys. What do the little people see, very cool and expensive toys. What do they want, you're catching on. Now our little person is very well behaved but I know he is tempted, how can he not be. So, I have respect for you marketers out there, but I do not appreciate the toys at the front door, the candy at the cash register, the little trinkets for little fingers on the way out of the store and probably the most disturbing trend right now, Disney Cars on everything a little boy needs and wants. I keep telling my wife, it's like Disney Cars "threw up" on everything that is little boy. Does our little guy even have a choice on whether to like Cars or not? By the way, I love Cars, we didn't have to buy him the movie, it was already in daddy's collection next to Bourne Ultimatum.
I used to have some pretty good goals set out. I like to do a "goal plan" for the year and even a 3 year and 5 year plan. Ask my wonderful wife, she has seen the spreadsheets. After three weeks, I believe my goals will change a little bit. I still plan to achieve my goals (one of them was to get a great kid and call him ours, thank you Lord for making that happen), but I think I will also be very focused, maybe consumed with some short term goals. I'm naming them superman goals, because after I accomplish them, I feel like superman. Some superman experiences I have had in the past week:
1. Cutting hair - yes, I was able to cut his hair Sunday morning before church. He actually let me do it, even after I got hair all over his neck (the towel fell accidentally), his ear and of course all over me. Kasi thought it looked good, so if mommy is happy than it qualifies for superman status.
2. Brushing teeth - some days I have the superman status and other days, well, like last night I didn't get there. What is so hard about this task?
3. Dressing him in less than 10 minutes and having him match. What goes on first, what is next, what type of socks do you want, you have to wear that shirt you picked it out, I'm counting to five and then I'm putting that on you, mommy isn't here to put on your shorts, you can't leave until you have your shirt on......when did I become so consumed with clothing? It's easier to prepare for a quarterly board meeting than to get a littler person dressed, matched and ready to go in ten minutes. I've had only one superman moment on this one, I need more or else I will end wearing a shark shirt like him.
4. Bed time. Seriously, I haven't had any superman moments yet for this one. My wife walks out at 8:00 and tells me he was so sweet, they prayed, he gave her a hug, tells her she is awesome and that he is ready to go to sleep. I try to put him down, and we can't pick out a book, he wants his light on, he wants the turtle to sing him a song, he wants the plane in his room to fly him around, he doesn't want me to read the book, he wants his juice, he wants the NASA space shuttle program to continue on and he of course doesn't want to go to bed. I enjoy "trying" to put him to sleep, but I have a lot to learn. I am enjoying/dreading this learning process. I will get my superman moment, he will be in bed by 8:00 and I will be out of there. I will be the bedtime superman.
5. Making sure he knows we love him. I will never take for granted the opportunities I get to tickle, sneak in a hug or just be silly with him. He needs to know that we are crazy about him. Many superman moments here and many more to come.
Well, there's my first blog. I'll try and do more.
Peace!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Making Connections
I feel like my favorite little guy and I are bonding more everyday. I really have a lot of fun with him! I attribute this in part to the fact that I am learning more about how to make a schedule that is entertaining enough for him and yet still preserves my sanity by allowing for trips to Target and lunches with friends. These are the essentials of a good life.
I think he is a bit confused about how he one day came to live with people he did not know and they just happened to have a room made for him, toys for him to play with and snacks for him to eat. Whether it is a box of goldfish crackers or a t-shirt, he wants to know, "Who bought this for me?" This question is typically followed by the question, "Why?" I cannot blame him. If I was dragged away to another house and instantly had a closet of clothes in my size and lots of shiny new earrings, I would probably ask a few questions, too. On second thought, why look a gift horse in the mouth? I would probably just wear them and keep my mouth shut...but I am not a 3 year old.
Today we had a moment. On his first day here, he found this long sleeve hooded shirt in his closet that I had purchased for the fall, not the blazing hot Texas summer. He wanted to wear it that day and has asked about it everyday since, though I learned the wisdom of "out of sight, out of mind" and hid it last week. It rained today, so I let him wear it to dinner (it seemed reasonable in that situation). He began asking who bought that shirt for him. I got teary remembering the day I bought that shirt, having no idea when he would be ours and no real guarantees that he would ever wear it at all. He then asked a new question, "Where was I?" This was a good one. I had to say that I truly didn't know...I guessed daycare. He offered that he was probably at his "other house." I asked him if he liked it there and he replied, "No. I like it here." We then had a little conversation about our house and him staying with us forever. For those of you keeping track, remember I was already a little teary. This didn't help that.
He must be doing a lot of thinking today because as he laid in bed tonight, I heard him talking to...his stuffed monkey(?)on the monitor. He said, "This is my new airplane room, and this is my turtle [nightlight]. I didn't have a turtle at my other house, but I have one at this house...and a Daddy..and..." It got muffled after that. I think I heard something about Neb later on. Neb is our Yorkie, who is a somewhat anxious lap dog that we rescued 5 years ago. I am sure he was thankful to be included in the introductions.
I think we don't give kids enough credit. They need explanations. They need to talk things out, to ask questions, and to share their thoughts and opinions. I have done some of that with him, but I really want to start giving him more of a chance to talk about things. I will let you know how that goes.
I think he is a bit confused about how he one day came to live with people he did not know and they just happened to have a room made for him, toys for him to play with and snacks for him to eat. Whether it is a box of goldfish crackers or a t-shirt, he wants to know, "Who bought this for me?" This question is typically followed by the question, "Why?" I cannot blame him. If I was dragged away to another house and instantly had a closet of clothes in my size and lots of shiny new earrings, I would probably ask a few questions, too. On second thought, why look a gift horse in the mouth? I would probably just wear them and keep my mouth shut...but I am not a 3 year old.
Today we had a moment. On his first day here, he found this long sleeve hooded shirt in his closet that I had purchased for the fall, not the blazing hot Texas summer. He wanted to wear it that day and has asked about it everyday since, though I learned the wisdom of "out of sight, out of mind" and hid it last week. It rained today, so I let him wear it to dinner (it seemed reasonable in that situation). He began asking who bought that shirt for him. I got teary remembering the day I bought that shirt, having no idea when he would be ours and no real guarantees that he would ever wear it at all. He then asked a new question, "Where was I?" This was a good one. I had to say that I truly didn't know...I guessed daycare. He offered that he was probably at his "other house." I asked him if he liked it there and he replied, "No. I like it here." We then had a little conversation about our house and him staying with us forever. For those of you keeping track, remember I was already a little teary. This didn't help that.
He must be doing a lot of thinking today because as he laid in bed tonight, I heard him talking to...his stuffed monkey(?)on the monitor. He said, "This is my new airplane room, and this is my turtle [nightlight]. I didn't have a turtle at my other house, but I have one at this house...and a Daddy..and..." It got muffled after that. I think I heard something about Neb later on. Neb is our Yorkie, who is a somewhat anxious lap dog that we rescued 5 years ago. I am sure he was thankful to be included in the introductions.
I think we don't give kids enough credit. They need explanations. They need to talk things out, to ask questions, and to share their thoughts and opinions. I have done some of that with him, but I really want to start giving him more of a chance to talk about things. I will let you know how that goes.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Role Confusion
If you met our little boy, you would never know that he wasn't ours. He looks like us and he fits in so very well with us. He is friendly, outgoing and well mannered (we are working on saying "Please" and "Thank you"). But I know his past, where he has been, and because of my work, I know the effect that those things can have on a person. So my mind is constantly thinking about how to best meet his needs. Sure, he seems like a "normal" child who wants you to stay with him until he falls asleep at night, but is there more to it? Should I be more responsive when he calls out for me while my husband is putting him down? Or should I view this as just another attempt to avoid bedtime, like every other three year old on the planet?
I see clients everyday who needed just a little more as a child-a little more attention, a little more responsiveness, a little more validation...and they didn't get it, which is why they are in my office. I don't want that to be my child one day. But I also don't want him to get the message that he is broken. I want him to be independent, capable and confident. And no amount of training in the world can tell me exactly how to balance those two!
I see clients everyday who needed just a little more as a child-a little more attention, a little more responsiveness, a little more validation...and they didn't get it, which is why they are in my office. I don't want that to be my child one day. But I also don't want him to get the message that he is broken. I want him to be independent, capable and confident. And no amount of training in the world can tell me exactly how to balance those two!
A New Adventure
I am an analagous learner. I am not entirely certain that that is even a word, but doesn't it sound like the best way to say that I learn best through analogies? So I have spent the last two weeks searching for an analogy to explain the swirl of feelings inside me. I want to put words to my feelings of complete awe and being completey overwhelmed at the same time, a way to understand how I can be so dying for ten minutes to myself and yet miss him while he naps. I want a way to explain how my little red head, my husband and I are all teaching each other about how to be a family. And then it hit me, we are Nicholas Cage in Family Man.
I am not someone who has always dreamed of being a mother. I don't even want to have my own biological children. Kids are great, but I was pretty satisfied just being an aunt and dreaming of one day running an orphanage in another country. So, suddenly having a nearly 4 year old in my house makes me feel like a bit of an imposter. I really don't know what I am doing! I love him, and am loving every moment I get to spend with him. For some people, that means that they love being a mom, which is undoubtedly a calling in it's own right. However, for me, I think I would say that I love being with my precious son and knowing that I will get to watch him grow into the man he will become, whom I believe will be an incredible person and a world changer! And somehow in the midst of that, I have the distinct honor of being the person that he throws his arm around, smiles and calls "Mommy..."
And I am thankful that it is not "just a glimpse...."
I am not someone who has always dreamed of being a mother. I don't even want to have my own biological children. Kids are great, but I was pretty satisfied just being an aunt and dreaming of one day running an orphanage in another country. So, suddenly having a nearly 4 year old in my house makes me feel like a bit of an imposter. I really don't know what I am doing! I love him, and am loving every moment I get to spend with him. For some people, that means that they love being a mom, which is undoubtedly a calling in it's own right. However, for me, I think I would say that I love being with my precious son and knowing that I will get to watch him grow into the man he will become, whom I believe will be an incredible person and a world changer! And somehow in the midst of that, I have the distinct honor of being the person that he throws his arm around, smiles and calls "Mommy..."
And I am thankful that it is not "just a glimpse...."
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Things I have Learned In My First Week as a Mommy
1. He really never will wear the "right" shorts with the "right" shorts. And there is no way on earth I can get him to wear the shoes that match... And I suppose that's okay.
2. There is a reason why they say "There's no use crying over spilled milk." Kids spill A LOT of milk!
3. When a 3 year old is involved, one can never guarantee they will be anywhere at any certain time (See #4).
4. Just because he wanted to brush his teeth yesterday does not mean he will do it today without a fight. Same goes for getting dressed, going to the park, swimming, eating and any other activity you can think of.
5. Kids are not concerned with efficiency. Sure I could push him in the stroller and get to the park in 10 minutes, but he thinks it better to walk it in 30 and pick up sticks along the way. I could put him in the car and have him buckled in less than 3 minutes, but why do that when he could climb in, wait for the seat to be the "right" temperature, and buckle himself in 10 minutes. Time is irrelevant to preschoolers.
6. It doesn't matter how many books he has, he will read the same two every night anyways. Same goes for clothes. He has worn the same 2 shirts 6 of the 10 days we have had him.
7. Chick Fil A and their wonderful playland is a gift from above. I now prefer it to all of the wonderful restaurants Will and I once went...
8. Don't like his mood? Wait 3 minutes..it will probably change.
9. Random hugs and "I love you"'s make all of the above perfectly acceptable.
2. There is a reason why they say "There's no use crying over spilled milk." Kids spill A LOT of milk!
3. When a 3 year old is involved, one can never guarantee they will be anywhere at any certain time (See #4).
4. Just because he wanted to brush his teeth yesterday does not mean he will do it today without a fight. Same goes for getting dressed, going to the park, swimming, eating and any other activity you can think of.
5. Kids are not concerned with efficiency. Sure I could push him in the stroller and get to the park in 10 minutes, but he thinks it better to walk it in 30 and pick up sticks along the way. I could put him in the car and have him buckled in less than 3 minutes, but why do that when he could climb in, wait for the seat to be the "right" temperature, and buckle himself in 10 minutes. Time is irrelevant to preschoolers.
6. It doesn't matter how many books he has, he will read the same two every night anyways. Same goes for clothes. He has worn the same 2 shirts 6 of the 10 days we have had him.
7. Chick Fil A and their wonderful playland is a gift from above. I now prefer it to all of the wonderful restaurants Will and I once went...
8. Don't like his mood? Wait 3 minutes..it will probably change.
9. Random hugs and "I love you"'s make all of the above perfectly acceptable.
After One Week....
I cannot believe it's only been ten days since this amazing little boy came to live with us! I have seen so much progress and so many changes in him in this short amount of time that I am in constant awe of how God has moved in this situation.
The first few nights he vehemently avoided pajamas or anything sleep related, even wanting to wear his clothes and shoes to bed. In addition being in a new environment, we also attribute this to his night terrors, which probably make him avoid sleep. However, after about five days, he put on his pajamas one night, crawled into bed, asked for a story and then went to sleep with no fight! This has been great for him, as well as his daddy and I! He still cries out a lot during the night, but it doesn't seem to wake him up. Sadly, he doesn't have words for his dreams yet, so we cannot process them with him.
After three days, Will got the first spontaneous "I love you." I got mine the next day. After five days, he began calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy." Prior to that, he would call us by our names or would refer to my husband as "that other boy." :) He rarely asks for "Other Mommy" or "Other Daddy" now. He told me yesterday that, "I only have one house...this one."
I had heard from friends who are fostering that their kids had acclimated quickly as well, but I did not expect him to feel so at home with us so fast. I think kids that have been abused are very intuitive and learn to be experts at reading people in order to protect themselves. I can only assume that our little red head can sense the love we have for him and knows that we will take care of him and keep him safe. There are moments where he and I will just stare at each other and then he will smile as if to say, "I get it. You love me." And I certainly do!!!!!
Things are not completely rosey, but we feel like they are progressing appropriately. He asks a lot of questions like, "What's my Daddy's name?" and "Where is my other house?" We are trying to help him process the change in his time and on his level so that he can understand that this really is his new home. We continually reminding him that his things will be there when he returns and that we always come back for him. I think these will be conversations that we have multiple times over the years on different levels, as he grows emotionally and cognitively.
The first few nights he vehemently avoided pajamas or anything sleep related, even wanting to wear his clothes and shoes to bed. In addition being in a new environment, we also attribute this to his night terrors, which probably make him avoid sleep. However, after about five days, he put on his pajamas one night, crawled into bed, asked for a story and then went to sleep with no fight! This has been great for him, as well as his daddy and I! He still cries out a lot during the night, but it doesn't seem to wake him up. Sadly, he doesn't have words for his dreams yet, so we cannot process them with him.
After three days, Will got the first spontaneous "I love you." I got mine the next day. After five days, he began calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy." Prior to that, he would call us by our names or would refer to my husband as "that other boy." :) He rarely asks for "Other Mommy" or "Other Daddy" now. He told me yesterday that, "I only have one house...this one."
I had heard from friends who are fostering that their kids had acclimated quickly as well, but I did not expect him to feel so at home with us so fast. I think kids that have been abused are very intuitive and learn to be experts at reading people in order to protect themselves. I can only assume that our little red head can sense the love we have for him and knows that we will take care of him and keep him safe. There are moments where he and I will just stare at each other and then he will smile as if to say, "I get it. You love me." And I certainly do!!!!!
Things are not completely rosey, but we feel like they are progressing appropriately. He asks a lot of questions like, "What's my Daddy's name?" and "Where is my other house?" We are trying to help him process the change in his time and on his level so that he can understand that this really is his new home. We continually reminding him that his things will be there when he returns and that we always come back for him. I think these will be conversations that we have multiple times over the years on different levels, as he grows emotionally and cognitively.
Day 1
We were excited and nervous on Thursday morning as we prepared for our son's arrival. We knew that this would be one of the most exciting days of our lives and one of the more difficult days of his. He had been living in the same home for the past year and a half, so saying goodbye was difficult for both he and his foster mother. Unfortunately, none of them were expecting him to be moved from their home, adding shock and suprise to the already difficult transition.
He arrived at our home wearing red and navy plaid shorts and a gray muscle tee. He had a purple dragon in one hand and a Whataburger milkshake in the other. (The Bible was a gift from his biological mother that he brought with him when he was removed from her home). As I opened the door, my heart leapt. This was him! This was the child that I had been praying for, preparing for and dreaming of for the last seven months! He stood there at the doorway, quietly staring at us and not wanting to come in. After a few minutes he agreed to see what toys we had to offer and even allowed me to hold his dragon. Will and I began to play with him, though he remained cautious as he observed us.
Amazingly, our foster care consultant and his CPS worker stayed about 15 minutes, exchanged some paperwork and left. That was it. With one quick drop off, we were now parents!
I had purchased a small backpack for him. Once he found it,he immediately began trying to put all of his new toys, snacks and clothes into it to "take home" with him. He would not go anywhere without his backpack. I kept trying to explain to him that all of his new things were his to keep forever, but for a child who has just been plucked from all of toys, clothes and relationships, this was hard to believe. (He came to us with one small suitcase containing only a few items of clothing and no toys). We spent the rest of the day playing at the park, drawing with sidewalk chalk and exploring his new surroundings. I know it must've been confusing for him, because I too found it hard to believe that he was actually in our home to stay!
He mentioned his (foster) mommy, daddy, and home frequently the first few days. Once he said, "My mommy is crying right now." It was difficult not to question if moving him from their home was the best thing for him. But I knew that it was. I knew that, though they were familair to him, there were so many issues and concerns that he was certainly better off with us. I would just have to wait for him to figure that out, too.
He arrived at our home wearing red and navy plaid shorts and a gray muscle tee. He had a purple dragon in one hand and a Whataburger milkshake in the other. (The Bible was a gift from his biological mother that he brought with him when he was removed from her home). As I opened the door, my heart leapt. This was him! This was the child that I had been praying for, preparing for and dreaming of for the last seven months! He stood there at the doorway, quietly staring at us and not wanting to come in. After a few minutes he agreed to see what toys we had to offer and even allowed me to hold his dragon. Will and I began to play with him, though he remained cautious as he observed us.
Amazingly, our foster care consultant and his CPS worker stayed about 15 minutes, exchanged some paperwork and left. That was it. With one quick drop off, we were now parents!
I had purchased a small backpack for him. Once he found it,he immediately began trying to put all of his new toys, snacks and clothes into it to "take home" with him. He would not go anywhere without his backpack. I kept trying to explain to him that all of his new things were his to keep forever, but for a child who has just been plucked from all of toys, clothes and relationships, this was hard to believe. (He came to us with one small suitcase containing only a few items of clothing and no toys). We spent the rest of the day playing at the park, drawing with sidewalk chalk and exploring his new surroundings. I know it must've been confusing for him, because I too found it hard to believe that he was actually in our home to stay!
He mentioned his (foster) mommy, daddy, and home frequently the first few days. Once he said, "My mommy is crying right now." It was difficult not to question if moving him from their home was the best thing for him. But I knew that it was. I knew that, though they were familair to him, there were so many issues and concerns that he was certainly better off with us. I would just have to wait for him to figure that out, too.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Journey in a Nutshell
Will and I have always known that we wanted to grow our family through adoption. In October 2010, Will began working at a national charity that offers group homes, foster care and counseling services to children. I believe that is where God really started this train. We began looking into international options in November 2010, but were discouraged by the tremendous wait (about 3-4 years!) and cost (we won’t even go there!)
Around December 14, 2010, Will told me about a 3 year old red- head who had come into his office that day with his foster parents. I didn’t sleep much that night because I kept thinking about this little boy… I just felt like he was supposed to be ours. The Foster Care Christmas party was a few days later and Will mentioned that he would be there. I insisted that we go and spent the whole evening playing with him and watching him follow Santa around the cafeteria. As we left that evening, I felt as if we were leaving a part of us behind.
At that time, we knew that his mother’s rights were not terminated, meaning that the state was still working to reunify them, and that he had been in what we believed to be a perfectly good foster home for the past year. This was not a child in need of a home. Now before you all get concerned that I will decide to make your children my own, you should know that this is not typical behavior for me. I have heard hundreds of heartbreaking stories and never felt like I needed to take them home (okay..only a few ;)). I believe that God gave me a love in my heart for this child from the time I first heard his name.
The next Monday, we began searching for a foster care agency and worked to get licensed as foster/adoptive parents are quickly as possible. We were licensed in February and began to wait…. We learned that he had a court date in May to determine if his mother’s rights would be terminated. So we waited…. Then court was rescheduled and we waited some more…..Then on May 17, we learned that his mother’s rights were terminated. **We truly believe that this is for the best, though she remains in our prayers and we ask that she be in yours as well.
As we waited, we began to learn that there were growing concerns about the appropriateness of the foster family as a long term placement for him. There are various medical issues, connection issues, discipline issues, etc… that have arisen over the last 5 months, leaving almost all parties involved feeling as if this child should be moved elsewhere. This is where I stop again and smile at the hand of God. GOD knew before we had any clue that this precious child would need a home. I am in awe of how much God loves His children….
So, since May 17, we have just been waiting to see what will happen next. While my tolerance for the unknown has increased over the years, this has certainly stretched far beyond my previous capacity! The wait has not been easy, but God has done so many things to encourage us along the way that I have never doubted that this little child would be our son. He allowed Will to meet with his attorney, provided just the right color of paint and put clients in my path 3 weeks in a row with his birthday just to name a few….. I could tell of the thousands of “signs” He has given us in the last few months, but that would triple the size of this story, which is probably already pushing YOUR capacity to sit and read!
So…to wrap this up, we received a phone call on June 24 from our wonderful foster care consultant, informing us that his attorney (or guardian ad litem) has scheduled a hearing on Friday, July 1 at 9am to ask the judge to place him with us. We received notice a on June 27 that the hearing would not be required and that he would instead come to live with us on June 30.
Our foster care worker commented that he cannot believe how this has all unfolded and has never seen anything he like it. I am not surprised. My God is always up for the unbelievable! “Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days that you would not believe if you were told.” (Habakkuk 1:5) Indeed He has.
As a side note, His middle name is the same as my dad's, who I have always wanted to name my son after. God's train started before October 2010 :)
Around December 14, 2010, Will told me about a 3 year old red- head who had come into his office that day with his foster parents. I didn’t sleep much that night because I kept thinking about this little boy… I just felt like he was supposed to be ours. The Foster Care Christmas party was a few days later and Will mentioned that he would be there. I insisted that we go and spent the whole evening playing with him and watching him follow Santa around the cafeteria. As we left that evening, I felt as if we were leaving a part of us behind.
At that time, we knew that his mother’s rights were not terminated, meaning that the state was still working to reunify them, and that he had been in what we believed to be a perfectly good foster home for the past year. This was not a child in need of a home. Now before you all get concerned that I will decide to make your children my own, you should know that this is not typical behavior for me. I have heard hundreds of heartbreaking stories and never felt like I needed to take them home (okay..only a few ;)). I believe that God gave me a love in my heart for this child from the time I first heard his name.
The next Monday, we began searching for a foster care agency and worked to get licensed as foster/adoptive parents are quickly as possible. We were licensed in February and began to wait…. We learned that he had a court date in May to determine if his mother’s rights would be terminated. So we waited…. Then court was rescheduled and we waited some more…..Then on May 17, we learned that his mother’s rights were terminated. **We truly believe that this is for the best, though she remains in our prayers and we ask that she be in yours as well.
As we waited, we began to learn that there were growing concerns about the appropriateness of the foster family as a long term placement for him. There are various medical issues, connection issues, discipline issues, etc… that have arisen over the last 5 months, leaving almost all parties involved feeling as if this child should be moved elsewhere. This is where I stop again and smile at the hand of God. GOD knew before we had any clue that this precious child would need a home. I am in awe of how much God loves His children….
So, since May 17, we have just been waiting to see what will happen next. While my tolerance for the unknown has increased over the years, this has certainly stretched far beyond my previous capacity! The wait has not been easy, but God has done so many things to encourage us along the way that I have never doubted that this little child would be our son. He allowed Will to meet with his attorney, provided just the right color of paint and put clients in my path 3 weeks in a row with his birthday just to name a few….. I could tell of the thousands of “signs” He has given us in the last few months, but that would triple the size of this story, which is probably already pushing YOUR capacity to sit and read!
So…to wrap this up, we received a phone call on June 24 from our wonderful foster care consultant, informing us that his attorney (or guardian ad litem) has scheduled a hearing on Friday, July 1 at 9am to ask the judge to place him with us. We received notice a on June 27 that the hearing would not be required and that he would instead come to live with us on June 30.
Our foster care worker commented that he cannot believe how this has all unfolded and has never seen anything he like it. I am not surprised. My God is always up for the unbelievable! “Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days that you would not believe if you were told.” (Habakkuk 1:5) Indeed He has.
As a side note, His middle name is the same as my dad's, who I have always wanted to name my son after. God's train started before October 2010 :)
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