Not You

I knew that my son would miss his "other" family when he came to us...That's normal. No matter how great we are for him, they were all he knew for 18 months. From a psychological perspective, it would actually be unhealthy if he didn't miss them. It would show a lack of attachment, which is never good. After all, if were (God forbid!) to be taken from us after 18 months, I would hope that he would cry for me.

He has actually never cried for them, but instead says periodically-and randomly as far we can tell- "I want my Other Daddy." (we call him OD for code) For some reason, he has really stepped up asking for OD (whom he says was not good to him) in the past couple of weeks. Ironically, he often does it when we are on our way to take him to do something. For example, this weekend as we drove to the Rainforrest Cafe and Legoland, he sat in the backseat asking for OD. But my real favorite is when he is mad that I have asked him to do something and he says, "I want my Other Mommy." Here's betting OM would make him hold her hand when he crosses the street and brush his teeth, too.

In the past few days he has started saying, "I really miss my other mommy and my other daddy," and asking "Who brought me to your house?" A few times he responds with, "I didn't want them to do that." I can understand that. No one wants to be ripped out of their home with no notice, whether they live with the Brady Bunch or not. It breaks my heart for him and I try my best, whether he is genuinely expressing sadness or just mad, to empathize and to make sure he knows that it is okay to talk about those feelings with me.

I have taken all of this like a champ. I know it is all part of the process and a healthy part of transitioning. But then today, in the middle of Target, we are having a nice time looking for a new cup for him and he says very seriously, "I don't want you to be my mommy." OUCH! That one hit like a dagger to my chest. I fought back tears as he said it a couple more times. I asked what he would like me to be and he said that he just wanted to go back to his "Other Mommy"... I know that kids just say stuff. I know that he does like being at our house. I know that it is good and healthy for him to miss his other house...blah blah blah. My head knows all of this, but that couldn't stop my heart from breaking right there in the baby aisle at Target... And they didn't even have the cups I wanted.

In psychology, there is something that happens called an "extinction burst" when you are trying to break a habit, change a behavior, etc... It works for a while, but then before it completely disappears, you do it a lot. I mean A LOT! The theory is that you are no longer getting what you want out of it, so you give it one more hardy try before completely giving it up. I can see that. My favorite little man has a lot to think about in his head and maybe it is just all bursting out now.

We have been told by everyone who has ever fostered or being fostered that there is some magical switch that gets flipped at the three month mark. We have three weeks to go until then...I will keep you posted.

Role Confusion

If you met our little boy, you would never know that he wasn't ours. He looks like us and he fits in so very well with us. He is friendly, outgoing and well mannered (we are working on saying "Please" and "Thank you"). But I know his past, where he has been, and because of my work, I know the effect that those things can have on a person. So my mind is constantly thinking about how to best meet his needs. Sure, he seems like a "normal" child who wants you to stay with him until he falls asleep at night, but is there more to it? Should I be more responsive when he calls out for me while my husband is putting him down? Or should I view this as just another attempt to avoid bedtime, like every other three year old on the planet?

I see clients everyday who needed just a little more as a child-a little more attention, a little more responsiveness, a little more validation...and they didn't get it, which is why they are in my office. I don't want that to be my child one day. But I also don't want him to get the message that he is broken. I want him to be independent, capable and confident. And no amount of training in the world can tell me exactly how to balance those two!

Things I have Learned In My First Week as a Mommy

1. He really never will wear the "right" shorts with the "right" shorts. And there is no way on earth I can get him to wear the shoes that match... And I suppose that's okay.

2. There is a reason why they say "There's no use crying over spilled milk." Kids spill A LOT of milk!

3. When a 3 year old is involved, one can never guarantee they will be anywhere at any certain time (See #4).

4. Just because he wanted to brush his teeth yesterday does not mean he will do it today without a fight. Same goes for getting dressed, going to the park, swimming, eating and any other activity you can think of.

5. Kids are not concerned with efficiency. Sure I could push him in the stroller and get to the park in 10 minutes, but he thinks it better to walk it in 30 and pick up sticks along the way. I could put him in the car and have him buckled in less than 3 minutes, but why do that when he could climb in, wait for the seat to be the "right" temperature, and buckle himself in 10 minutes. Time is irrelevant to preschoolers.

6. It doesn't matter how many books he has, he will read the same two every night anyways. Same goes for clothes. He has worn the same 2 shirts 6 of the 10 days we have had him.

7. Chick Fil A and their wonderful playland is a gift from above. I now prefer it to all of the wonderful restaurants Will and I once went...

8. Don't like his mood? Wait 3 minutes..it will probably change.

9. Random hugs and "I love you"'s make all of the above perfectly acceptable.