The proverbial switch: 3 months!

Today marks three months of our red head actually being in our home. Three months of being a parent. Three months of living in a whole new world—for all of us!
First, I want to say thank you to everyone for all of the prayers, kind messages and shared stories after my last post! They were so encouraging and such a blessing to me! We have certainly noticed a big change over the last couple of weeks. He no longer asks for “OM” or “OD.” He no longer draws pictures that include them. (His teacher has told me that his first order of business everyday is to produce a picture to bring home to me…he is such a giver!). I do believe that the proverbial switch has been flipped and we have reached a turning point where he is wholly ours. And I could not be prouder to have such an amazing child!

I loved him from the moment I heard his name. I don’t know why…it is just something that sprung up inside of me. But now, I hear him joke around with us-- pretending not to know where his juice is, turning around to “throw” his voice and then asking “who said that?”—and I am in love. I smile as he comes home from school saying, “I have a surprise for you, Mommy…” and pulls a feather out of his backpack that he procured just for me. I watch as he picks up anything small and says in a baby voice, “Ahhh, it’s a baby leaf…” and delicately puts it down to safely “nap,” and I appreciate his loving nature. I now have a thousand reasons why I think he is the greatest. I often look at him and am overwhelmed at how much God must love me to put this precious child in my life.

I notice so many changes in him since that first day when he came to us three months ago. No matter what we asked him to do (i.e. play with sidewalk chalk), his response was “I can’t…” Now his constant refrain is, “I bet you didn’t know I could do that!” When he finds something he cannot do, he says, “You are supposed to teach me.” Already, he has so much more confidence! Now, sometimes this is taken a bit far as he thinks he should be able to drive, cook dinner, paint my nails for me….. But I will take that any day!

As we continue to move forward, I want to pause again and say “thank you!” to you for being a part of this journey! It has just begun!

Clueless

We went to the circus this weekend and neither my wife nor I can ever remember going to the circus as children, but I have pictures showing me at the circus, so I guess I went. We (the adults) were excited to go and we shared our excitement with the red head. He started getting excited a couple days before, and then it was finally circus day. Yay, we get to go to the circus today! He was excited, mostly because we were excited. We get to the arena and immediately the marketing begins, “buy a hat for your boy sir, your boy needs a hat”. We rush to the ATM to get some money to buy a hat only to find out he doesn’t want a hat. Great! Inside are more little-people-money-wasters, glowing swords, spinning wands, popcorn, candy, stuffed animals, balloon animals…..everything a little person “wants” but doesn’t need. “I want a sword, I want popcorn, I want a Spongeball balloon”. “How about a hat”, my wife says. He agreed, it was the cheapest and also the cutest, so he got a hat. The show was starting to begin and I ask the red head, “have you ever been to the circus before”? A normal question for my wife and I to ask him. In fact we ask him all the time questions about him and the things he has done….. do you like this, have you done this before, what is your favorite this or that, can you tell me when you did that, what did you do at your other house, what did your other mommy do when you did that, did you do this with your other daddy……. We are basically doing research, collecting as much data about him as possible so we can make “qualified, management” decisions……..OK, so maybe we are just trying to make it as parents and we need all the info we can get, but it sounds better when you use words like “qualified” and “management”. Anyway, I ask him “have you ever been to the circus before?” I notice the mother holding the cotton candy next to me giving me a strange look, a look that says “what kind of parent are you, don’t you know anything about your kid”. Now I could probably get some grace if the red head wasn’t a red head, maybe a completely different colored head, but unfortunately for me he and I are very similar in appearance so when people look at us there is no doubt that he is mine. As I escorted my child to his seat, the cotton candy mother gave me a final glance which pretty much said, “lazy dad out with his NEW wife because he only gets to see his kids once a month, probably doesn’t even pay child support”. TOUGH GLANCE! Those glances from all the “real parents” out there wont deter me from continuing to ask him questions about his past, his likes/dislikes, experiences and anything else I need to gather data about. It’s just part of the role of being the new dad and mommy, I’ll just make sure to try and keep the conversation between the two of us. One last experience to leave you with. So mommy and I are in the store with red head and he picks out some Pringles and says “I ate these with my other daddy”. He says it kind of loud; he likes to emphasize his “preferred choices” with some volume in his voice. I think he thinks if he yells it than he will get it. Well, the “real parents” standing in the aisle with us heard his comment. I immediately think, great they are going to call the police and issue an AMBER alert because they think we just kidnapped this kid, who tells their parents they did something with their OD, that’s “suspicious”. Of course we play it off and buy the chips, but we quickly try to head out the door……You never know if that “cotton candy mother” or “supermom” is close behind trying to write down your license plate number.
NB

Not You

I knew that my son would miss his "other" family when he came to us...That's normal. No matter how great we are for him, they were all he knew for 18 months. From a psychological perspective, it would actually be unhealthy if he didn't miss them. It would show a lack of attachment, which is never good. After all, if were (God forbid!) to be taken from us after 18 months, I would hope that he would cry for me.

He has actually never cried for them, but instead says periodically-and randomly as far we can tell- "I want my Other Daddy." (we call him OD for code) For some reason, he has really stepped up asking for OD (whom he says was not good to him) in the past couple of weeks. Ironically, he often does it when we are on our way to take him to do something. For example, this weekend as we drove to the Rainforrest Cafe and Legoland, he sat in the backseat asking for OD. But my real favorite is when he is mad that I have asked him to do something and he says, "I want my Other Mommy." Here's betting OM would make him hold her hand when he crosses the street and brush his teeth, too.

In the past few days he has started saying, "I really miss my other mommy and my other daddy," and asking "Who brought me to your house?" A few times he responds with, "I didn't want them to do that." I can understand that. No one wants to be ripped out of their home with no notice, whether they live with the Brady Bunch or not. It breaks my heart for him and I try my best, whether he is genuinely expressing sadness or just mad, to empathize and to make sure he knows that it is okay to talk about those feelings with me.

I have taken all of this like a champ. I know it is all part of the process and a healthy part of transitioning. But then today, in the middle of Target, we are having a nice time looking for a new cup for him and he says very seriously, "I don't want you to be my mommy." OUCH! That one hit like a dagger to my chest. I fought back tears as he said it a couple more times. I asked what he would like me to be and he said that he just wanted to go back to his "Other Mommy"... I know that kids just say stuff. I know that he does like being at our house. I know that it is good and healthy for him to miss his other house...blah blah blah. My head knows all of this, but that couldn't stop my heart from breaking right there in the baby aisle at Target... And they didn't even have the cups I wanted.

In psychology, there is something that happens called an "extinction burst" when you are trying to break a habit, change a behavior, etc... It works for a while, but then before it completely disappears, you do it a lot. I mean A LOT! The theory is that you are no longer getting what you want out of it, so you give it one more hardy try before completely giving it up. I can see that. My favorite little man has a lot to think about in his head and maybe it is just all bursting out now.

We have been told by everyone who has ever fostered or being fostered that there is some magical switch that gets flipped at the three month mark. We have three weeks to go until then...I will keep you posted.